We now Resume our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Posted on February 27, 2011 by Andy

I want to start this off by wishing everyone an early Happy New Year in anticipation of the calendar turning on Tuesday.  Oh?  You mean you don’t celebrate March as the beginning of the year?  Hmm… well then… I had planned a post involving Katy Perry, Puff the Magic Dragon, and Kool and the Gang, but now it won’t make any sense.

Instead, I’ll just welcome you back to Relevant Rambling.  We have some exciting things coming in the new year, not the least of which involves more WTF Oklahoma stories, Food Gimmicks, and Rambling about travels throughout the United States and beyond.  Oh, and I’m sure Stretch has some fonts he’d like to rant about.  That will be compelling to about 4 people.  (The previous statistic is scientifically accurate, but has a margin of error of 2)  Either way, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

And now… Puppies!

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FFG: Taco Bell’s Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito

Posted on November 14, 2010 by Andy

Taco Bell's Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito

Like clockwork, the middle of the month means another new gimmick from our friends south of the border.  Taco Bell has unleashed a new Grilled Stuft Burrito upon the masses, this time in a Chicken Enchilada version.  It is listed as “Marinated all-white-meat chicken, slow-simmered enchilada sauce, a melty blend of three cheeses–cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella–enchilada rice and reduced fat sour cream all wrapped in a flour tortilla and grilled to go,” and it largely lives up to that colorful description.

A mini disclaimer of sorts before we continue, I have never tried the original Grilled Stuft Burritos.  They always have the absolutely disgusting refried pinto beans on them which I can’t stand, and have never had one that sounded remotely intriguing until now.

Clocking in at an excessive 690 calories which you get in exchange for $3.49, this burrito needs to be delicious and filling to be a worthwhile consumable.  While it is good, I don’t believe that it meets that standard.  The chicken may be all white meat, but if that is true T Bell stole the McDonalds method of changing to all-white meat and removing all flavor in the process.  The burrito is dominated by the rice and plentiful yet tasteless protein, while the namesake enchilada sauce is largely absent.  If not for the sour cream and the few seconds grilled on the flat top, this would be a reimaging of the Fiesta Burrito that was taken off of the menu about a year ago.  The difference is that the old Fiesta Burrito was one of the healthiest things on the menu, and two of them could be a decent meal at around 500 calories.

Verdict:  The new Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuft Burrito is short on Enchilada and large on cost and calories.  Not a good combo.  Worth a try, but if it doesn’t stick around, I won’t be that upset.

Overall Grade: C+

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Advice for Bikers

Posted on October 20, 2010 by stretch

A word of advice for bikers: follow the rules of the road. And that’s not my advice – that comes from the government. Though, it’s not so much advice as it is law. I understand that you are saving the environment one commute at a time, but that doesn’t entitle you to break every traffic law ever created. You don’t get to ride on the sidewalk. You do have to signal your turns. And you do have to stop at stop signs and lights.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you riding your bike.  It makes lessens my drive time. However, if I have to deal with running you over as I am turning and you didn’t stop for my right of way, it adds a complication I don’t want to deal with. My car would get scratched, you’d fall and get hurt, and then I’d probably sue you. No hard feelings, it’s just how it is.

If you want to scream at me for nearly hitting you as you run a red light, go ahead. Just make sure my windows aren’t down. And make sure you weren’t the one that is wrong. I am looking at you, hipster riding your bike down La Salle Street this morning.

Remember, bikers: share the road!

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FFG: Taco Bell’s XXL Chalupa

Posted on October 10, 2010 by Andy

This is the debut of another series of posts here at Relevant Rambling entitled ‘Fast Food Gimmicks’.  Basically, every restaurant comes out with random gimmick speciality items every so often.  McDonald’s less often, Taco Bell most often.  I am a complete sucker for marketing, so as long as it remotely appeals to me, I generally try them.

Taco Bell's newest gimmick: The XXL Chalupa

This past week Taco Bell introduced their latest gimmick:  The XXL Chalupa.  Apparently the XL Chalupa was scrapped in the design stage.  The commercial is one of the better ones T-Bell has had in recent memory featuring Yankees icon Mariano Rivera and his skipper Joe Girardi.

Instead of bringing back the awesome Fiesta or Santa Fe Gorditas/Chalupas from when they were first introduced, YUM! Brands decided to just combine their current 3 chalupas into one excessive package.  They took a Chalupa Supreme, added the Nacho Cheese from the Nacho Cheese Chalupa, the Fiesta Salsa from the Baja Chalupa, and tossed some red tortilla strips in for good measure.  Supposedly, there is double the amount of ground beef and a ‘double-sized chalupa shell’.  The shell didn’t seem that much larger, if at all.  Rather, it more so seemed that they just made the shell wider, but smaller height-wise.

Hey, this almost looks like the marketing!

Well the first impression I had was looking at the box (pictured above).  There was a big grease spot on the top of it, which is no surprise if it truly has double the amount of beef.  Although why it is on the top of the box is a good question…  A good question that would be quickly answered when I opened the box and found that the chalupa was inserted upside down.  Well done, T-Bell.

As far as taste, not bad, but it didn’t really have a distinctive taste.  I imagine this is most likely because it is just an amalgamation of different items.  What it honestly ended up tasting like was a Crunchwrap Supreme in a chalupa shell.  In theory, this wouldn’t be a bad thing, but because it’s rare to receive a fully cooked chalupa shell it doesn’t work all that well.  Generally the chalupas are not a crispy golden brown, but rather a slightly more cooked gordita, and this one was no different.  If it had been crispy, the XXL Chalupa could be an interesting new take on a Crunchwrap Supreme, but instead its just a gimmicky combination of chalupas in a messy package.

Overall Grade: C-

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Trader Joe’s, Car Troubles, and Big Surprises

Posted on October 4, 2010 by stretch

Everyone complains about poor customer service. Everyone. Even me. But what about great service? You read about it sometimes, but never as much as you should. This is one of those times – I want to tell you about our Friday night.

As you may know, my fiancé works downtown Chicago and has a typical 9-5 work schedule (the antithesis of my freelance, work when I want from home, schedule) so I pick her up from work every day. Friday night, we decided to stop at Express to do some shopping then get some food at Trader Joe’s. For those who don’t know, you can park for 1.5 hours free of charge in the Trader Joe’s parking lot if you make a purchase. This is absolutely unheard of downtown, so we take full advantage of it – nothing better than free parking AND a $3.00 bottle of wine.

Well, we did our shopping and bought our wine at the store, had our parking validated, and went to the garage. You have 15 minutes to leave the parking garage; otherwise the parking company charges you $32.00, with no exceptions according to the sign by the gate. When we got to the car, I tried to start it up and nothing happened.  It didn’t even turn over. It turned out that not only was my battery dead, but the contact literally fell off the battery. It was not even connected and had been leaking battery acid throughout the engine.  We did the standard “call AAA, chill out, talk to the manager” while we waited for AAA to come.  There is nothing worse than having your car completely die in a place that the longer you stay, the more you pay. It could have ended up being $65.00 to get out if it took as long as it typically does for AAA to come. But it wasn’t!

I explained our situation to the manager of the store and not only did he call the garage company to get them to let us and the AAA truck out for free, he offered to give us dinner since we were waiting!  Ordinarily we would have jumped at that offer, but in another episode of great help, the AAA guy showed up 14 minutes after we called. 14 minutes. In downtown Chicago during rush hour.  I can’t say enough how impressive that is. All told, we waited for 45 minutes or so to be ready to go again. So I thank AAA and Trader Joe’s for saving what could have easily been a ridiculously awful evening.

That thank you does not include the 17 people who walked by Brittany (who was sitting in a car with the hood up, all alone, and just sitting there) and said nothing. Someone even asked, “Should we offer help?” to their spouse then walked away.  It was an interesting social experiment, to say the least.

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WTF-OK: Take Out the Trash

Posted on September 25, 2010 by Andy

This is the first in what will be a series of [in theory] shorter posts entitled, “WTF Oklahoma!”  As I mentioned in one of my first posts, I recently moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma from Columbus, Ohio.  In addition, I have lived in Orlando, Florida and Youngstown, Ohio, so I’ve experienced a decent amount of different areas.  Not to mention that I’ve lived with people from Ohio, Florida, Oregon, Michigan, Georgia, South Carolina, India, Pennsylvania, and have had friends that have moved to pretty much every state.  Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m decently traveled and open-minded.

But to put it bluntly… Oklahoma is just messed up.  These will be those stories.

I came across an article in the Tulsa World the other day discussing a commission who was tasked with finding a way to save money and standardize city services–a noble endeavor.  They recently released a report recommending, “Tulsa should move to a once-a-week, volume-based trash service with city-provided, roll-away carts.”

This stopped me dead in my tracks… um… what exactly are you doing currently?  So I read the article a little more and find out the most ridiculous thing.

Most of Tulsa, or 94,439 households, has twice-a-week pickup, while a small section of the city known as the northwest quadrant, with 22,157 households, has once-a-week service.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?  WHY DO YOU NEED YOUR TRASH PICKED UP MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK?  I believe there are two types of people in life.  Those that leave comments on newspaper articles on the internet, and people who are sane.  So let’s leave it to those commenters let us know why.

-”Once a week service means a lot of people will have mounds of rotting garbage piled up on the curb all week. Animals and the wind will spread it all over creation.”
-”The only place I have to store my trash can is in the garage. I don’t want a weeks worth of trash piling up in the summertime and stinking up the whole place.”
-”So I guess I’ll just wrap my trash in a brown paper bag and drop it off at some shopping center in the parking lot. I don’t want this once a week service. Why would I want maggots and smelly trash all the time? Give me a break.”
-”That’s the last straw; we’re moving out of the city. These ideas coming from New York style cities will have us looking like slums; or a New York neighborhood during trash stikes. More trash/refuse will be dumped randomly and illegally on our country roads as people opt to do this rather that ‘nickle & dime’ pay as you go.”

Yes, because every other city in the United States, including the much larger Atlanta, Columbus, Houston, and Chicago, consist of unlivable slumlike conditions filled with odors.  The best part is that 20% of Tulsa is ALREADY on the weekly system, and they are just fine.

“As previously reported by the Tulsa World, preliminary results of the poll that were released last month found that 94 percent of Tulsans are satisfied with their current trash service. That was true whether they had twice-a-week service or once-a-week service. [...] There were no once-a-week customers clamoring to pay more for an extra collection day.”

I did a little research, and it appears that Dallas, New Orleans, and Miami all have twice a week collection, although they have the automated pick-up via the 90-gallon bins.  Tulsa, a much smaller city, is proposing going to the bins and reducing to once-a-week.  To me, this seems like a no brainer, and honestly can’t believe they are picking up trash twice a week.

So Stretch, I ask you… WTF Oklahoma?

Ya know, Andy, I honestly don’t know. Personally, I am offended as a Chicagoan (or as a lifelong resident of a once-a-week trash pick-up community for that matter) by the implication that collecting trash only once per week will have you swimming in filth. This is simply an unfounded smear campaign against the rest of the country. Let’s look at a case study: Bowling Green, Ohio.

Bowling Green has a population of 29,636. It is home to Bowling Green State University. It also houses Ohio’s first utility-sized wind farm. But what you might not know, it has its trash picked up once per week. You might also note that this suburbanite city was reviewed in the 2008 Best Places to Live by CNN, though it was unable to be ranked because of population.

Some stats of note:

  • BG has 13.6% of people walk or bike to work – compared to the average 3.0% (3.1% for Tulsa)
  • Median commute is 11.5 minutes – versus 23.0 minutes (16.8 minutes for Tulsa)
  • Air quality: 85.6% – far better than 76.0% (69.3% for Tulsa)

The end result is that Bowling Green is a clean city. It is not polluted. People tend to have healthy lifestyles. And they are only using one trash bin each week.  So, Tulsans, I assure you – you CAN have a healthy lifestyle with minimal trash collection! You can recycle, save, or even take a trip to the nearest landfill on your dirtiest weeks. But judging from my research, you have a lot of work to do, least of which is complaining about trash collection. Trash in your garage does far less damage than driving your bitchin’ truck 35 minutes every day.

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Your Kids, My Dog, Our Park

Posted on September 21, 2010 by stretch

There has been some drama brewing over the last several months regarding the use of the city park next to my apartment tower. There has been screaming, swearing, poop-throwing (wish I was kidding) and near-physical altercations. What, you ask, is the fighting about? Politics? Zoning? Sports rivalries? No, not in Chicago – we have bigger things to worry about.

This is debacle is about whether or not to close the dog park outside my apartment tower. My building has an overwhelming number of canine tenants and it is mostly due to the prime location next to a great park. It’s why we picked the apartment.  Recently, parents of little children have been upset that their kids are scared of the dogs. They have petitioned the park committee to ban dogs from the entire park. This is particularly upsetting because there is very little green space downtown Chicago.

This park was designed to make everyone happy. There is a dog run (fenced in, including an excessive double door) and a fenced in playground, nearly double the size of the playground. Then the rest of the park is open for anyone’s use, as long as the dog is on a leash.

Now, I have to say, I find the parents’ request outlandish. I would describe the park as 89% kid friendly. Dogs can’t go anywhere other than 5’ from their owner. Don’t want your kid to be scared by a dog? Don’t go within 5’ of a person with a dog on a leash.  Don’t know how to prevent your kid from going next to a scary dog? Then don’t take your kid to the park. Or put them on a leash. At least everyone is happy then.   And this wouldn’t bother me so much if they weren’t just trying to get dogs off the grass. They want the dog run closed too! How can a dog running around behind a fence that kids aren’t even allowed to be in bothering anyone?

They say people weren’t picking up after their dogs. That is true sometimes; there are bad owners out there. Don’t punish the rest of us that pick up crap twice a day. One parent even went so far as to chuck a diaper at a dog owner whose dog was peeing because they didn’t clean it up. What? How does that make any sense? I never did hear if the parent picked up the diaper…I assume so since it wasn’t there the next day. But worse yet: this was IN THE DOG PARK. You know, the area dogs are supposed to go to the bathroom away from the kids. Why did this particular parent even care what was going on? They don’t even use it!

My point is this: when I am at a restaurant, plane, bus, or any public space, I probably hear your screaming baby. Do I ban babies from everywhere I go? No. A child once pulled my dogs tail. Did I throw poop at them? I wish I would have.

Call me crazy, but I think there is a way for kids and dogs to coexist. I mean, I had a dog growing up, and I never got attacked. Just use a bit of common sense. No throwing poop. That doesn’t help the situation.

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Review: Hideaway Pizza (Tulsa, OK)

Posted on September 20, 2010 by Andy

Hideaway (Cherry Street) on UrbanspoonDISCLAIMER:  My food reviews come from someone who has absolutely no background or knowledge of food.  I can tell what tastes good to me.  With that said, my eagerness to try ridiculous things as well as old favorites combined with the fact that I have moved cross-country and travel for my job means that I’ll have extensive opportunities to review many things.  And yes, that’s a run-on sentence.  Deal with it.

My ratings go like this:
A) Awesome, unique, I get cravings for this and nothing else satisfies it.
B) Delicious, and will almost certainly eat again.
C) Completely average.  Nothing wrong with it, but doesn’t stand out and will probably try something else next time at this restaurant.
D) Something was not right with this.  Still ate, but doubtful will eat again,
F) Simply pathethic/unedible/no urge to ever go near in the future.

One of the first nights after I moved to Tulsa, I was hungry for pizza.  So I checked the Urbanspoon pizza page and saw that Number 3 on the list was a nearby place called Hideaway Pizza.  That would be good sign number 1.  Good sign number 2 is that they don’t deliver, and if you are pretentious enough as a pizza place to not deliver while remaining in business, that means you make some good food.  So, I called and was told that there was currently a 2 hour 15 minute wait.  ABUH?!  Apparently they had some online special that week that you got 50% off if you ordered online.  Good sign number 3.

Finally I got around to ordering it to eat during the Ohio State-Miami game a few weekends ago.  I intended it to be my food for the entire weekend so I got a smorgasbord of pizza and appetizers:

Hideaway Pizza BBQ Wings

First up is a football classic:  Chicken Wings.  Many variables can go into what makes a delicious chicken wing.  Obviously, it has to be thoroughly cooked, and bigger is always better.  When discussing wings from an Italian/pizza place as opposed to an actual wing restaurant, slack must be given.  And with that slack accounted for, the Hideaway Wing Corner 1lb BBQ Wings for $6.99 come up gangbusters.  Served on a bed of lettuce so that all the steam/perspiration don’t water down the wings, the presentation is outstanding.  Honestly, it was hard to find fault.  The BBQ sauce had good and semi-unique flavor, while the wings were large, meaty, and easy to eat.  If there is one downside to Hideaway’s wings, it is that they are served by the pound, and because they are bigger, you only get about 9 wings in a serving.  But that is a minor complaint.  Overall, for pizza place wings, these get an ‘B’.

Hideaway Pizza 50/50 (Fried Mushrooms/Mozzarella Sticks)

When something is advertised as, “Our Famous…” I ALWAYS have to try it.  Simply because generally I have never heard of it previous to ordering it, thus I question the validity of its claim to be famous.  Well, Hideaway’s first appetizer on the menu is Famous Fried Mushrooms.  But I’m a sucker for combinations–it lets you try more things at once.  So I looked farther and found the 50/50 for $6.59 which is described as, “our famous fried mushrooms and five Mozzarella Cheese Sticks.”  Let’s start with the cheese sticks and quickly get them out of the way.  You know when you go to Sams Club and there are two types of cheesesticks in the freezer?  One is the smaller box that looks like something you could buy in a grocery store, and the other is larger and has foodservice style packaging?  The cheesesticks from Hideaway’s are the latter.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Those are delicious cheesesticks, however they were not crispy at all.  So the combination of blatantly store bought cheesesticks and poor cooking of them gives them a ‘D’.  The other half is the “Famous Fried Mushrooms.”  These were actually very good.  Definitely homemade and had just the right amount of flavor coming out of the mushroom.  Additionally, they were cooked excellently, so that they weren’t little pockets of scorching hot juice just waiting to burn your tongue.  Personally, I would have liked to see a little more batter, but that’s not the style of this dish.  They get a ‘B’.  Combined, the 50-50 gets pretty much exactly that:  ‘C-’.

Hideaway Pizza Mushroom Caps

The final appetizer is another mushroom dish simply entitled Mushroom Caps for $6.59.  It is another item that is listed as a ‘Hideaway Favorite’ and described on the menu as, “Filled with a spicy cream cheese and vegetable stuffing, topped with mozzarella and baked until golden brown.”  These reminded me of the Crab-Stuffed Mushrooms appetizer that Red Lobster serves, except without the seafood orientation.  This was probably my favorite dish out of everything I ordered, but with that said, was not spectacular.  It simply appealed to me at that time.  I feel that you can put cheese on pretty much anything to make it better, and as stated in a previous post, I love burnt things.  Alongside my love for spicy things, these mushroom caps pretty much just hit nailed all of the bases for me.  The cream cheese wasn’t really spicy at all, but I have a very high tolerance for spicy food, and you could definitely tell that there was something added to the cream cheese, so it was a nice touch.  The downside of the mushrooms is that it appears that all of the juice that was missing from the Fried Mushrooms was put in the container holding the Mushroom Caps.  That is what gives the picture that sort of grungy color instead of the pure white coming from mozzarella.  This is a hard one to rank because while it was definitely unique and I wouldn’t be surprised if I do crave it again at some point, it wasn’t really the dish that sold me.  It was the excessive amounts of cheese topped on the mushrooms that was baked to perfection.  I could take any semi-juicy item i want, sprinkle a little cajun/spicy seasoning, dump a pound of fresh mozzarella on it, and toss it in the oven for a while… ta da, the same result.  So I’m deviating from the scale already and going with a ‘B+’ due to that caveat.

Hideaway Pizza - 1/2 and 1/2 Speciality Pizza - The ATW and Big Country

Lastly, we come to the reason most people go to a pizza place, the pizza.  As mentioned previously, I love anytime you can have a combination or something similar because then you get to try more than one item at once.  Hideaway Pizza has about 18 different specialty pizzas, and allow you to order one half and half.  (Additionally, the 19th specialty pizza is special in that each slice is of a different pizza.)  With this being my first time, I decided to go for the standard top-left choice of The ATW (Around the World) as well as yet another Hideaway Specialty logo item entitled Big Country in a medium size for $15.59.  Both pizzas use Hideaway’s Red Sauce and are topped with of combination of mozzarella and pepperoni.  From there, The ATW takes on the role of a standard Deluxe/Supreme Pizza by adding sausage, diced green bell peppers as well as diced red onions, before finishing with black olives and fresh mushrooms.  Big Country meanwhile takes on more of a Meat Lovers role by including Canadian bacon, hamburger, and Polish sausage before topping it all off with cheddar.  Right after pickup they were meh, luke warm they were meh, refrigerated they were meh, and heated up in the over they improved to solid.  Honestly, this is the very definition of a ‘C’ to me.  The crust tasted like a standard nationwide chain crust, and the toppings were plentiful, but unremarkable.  There isn’t a bad thing to say about this pizza, but nothing stood out either.  Would I get this over Papa Johns or Dominoes?  Probably.  But with all the national chains going crazy currently with these $10 pizza deals, can I truly advocate spending almost $16 on this?  The answer is no.  So a ‘C’ it is.

Overall, not a bad experience by any means, but simply not worth the price I paid for everything since nothing truly stood out.  Most items were simply in the range of average to good with the exception of the cheesesticks.  To recap:
Wings: B
50/50: C- (Cheesesticks: D; Fried Mushrooms: B)
Mushroom Caps: B+
Specialty Pizza: C

Hope this was either entertaining, informative, or helpful.  If not, oh well, you already read it and we already got your click registered.  More food reviews coming in the future, and more rambling and rants on the horizon.  Stay Tuned. … You know… because you tune the internet.

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I Love This Car…

Posted on September 6, 2010 by Andy

Home.

Yes, I adapted a country song for the title.  I’m full of surprises.  With that out of the way, let’s start discussing my wonderful 2008 Saturn Aura XR.  I hate cars.  I hate driving.  The only part of automobiles that have any appeal to me is the Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate Highway and Defense System.  Don’t judge me just because I call it by its proper name.  When you are driving, you can’t do anything else productive.  I hate that.  Outside of sleeping, there is nothing less efficient than driving that occurs on such a frequent scale.  I loathe inefficiency; it is the bane of existence.  INVENT, DAMN YOU! So why would I bother spend time crafting an article about my car if I loathe the concept so much?  Let’s examine.

It is late June 2009.  I had just returned to Columbus from my annual volunteering at American Legion Buckeye Boys State… and my life was going nowhere.  I had completed 7 classes in the previous 15 months at Ohio State.  I had been jobless since January after I no longer was working at Victoria’s Secret in order to focus on school.  [Note from Future Me to Past Me:  That didn't work out so well.]  Oh, and my lease was ending in two months.  Fun times.  I decide to go back and visit the family in Youngstown for the first time in months, and since I was in no hurry, I decided to take the back roads instead of my beloved Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate Highway and Defense System.  I got in my trusty 2007 Aura which I bought the previous winter since my old 1993 Bonneville decided it would quit turning left because of some rust.  Well after about 4 hours, I was under 15 miles away from my parent’s house.  I swerve to avoid something, lose traction in gravel and end up slamming into an embankment at over 70mph.  RIP 2007 Aura.  So remember how my life was going nowhere… well now I was really in a bind because I couldn’t get a loan for a new car because I didn’t have a job.  I couldn’t get a job because I wasn’t in Columbus.  I couldn’t get Columbus because I didn’t have a car.  HEY, ITS CYCLICAL!

***

I’m not a loner.  I love people.  I worked in retail for years and loved the interaction.  It’s one of the things I hate about the IT industry, you don’t associate with people often.  Yet, I enjoy sleeping in my car.  And not out of necessity, I just enjoy sleeping there.  Each year after Boys State, I am exhausted.  I honestly can’t make the two-hour trip back to Columbus without a nap.  I’m not hurting for friends in the area.  The co-creator of this blog is from Bowling Green.  A handful of the other counselors live in the area.  The offer to hang out/nap the day is a standing offer.  I always decline.  I get back on the highway system, travel a few miles south to a rest stop, park in the shade under a tree and sleep.

***

Well, long story short, It got resolved in about two weeks, and I was on my way back to Columbus in my Fully Loaded 2008 Saturn Aura.  Except Leather… I don’t get the appeal of leather… but that’s another blog.  About 2 weeks later, I found out I got an internship with Walt Disney World.  Everything was looking up.

But the day I got this car really sat off a new period of homelessness in my life.  The old adage goes, “Home is where the Heart Is.”  Not sure what that means.  The IRS defines home as the place you return to.  Not sure what that means either.  Some say family defines home; others… friends.  All I know is that home means comfort.  I’m slowly beginning to realize that to me, my car is my home.

***

It’s strange.  I don’t eat inside fast food restaurants anymore.  I always go through the drive thru, then pull somewhere, park and eat.  It can be anywhere, the parking lot of the establishment I just purchased food from.  It can be the parking lot of wherever I am actually living at the current time.  It can be a park.  It can be rainy, sunny, hot or cold.  I have climate control and a sunroof, simply have to use whichever applies.  I sit there, listen to the stereo and eat.

***

When I got the car, I had a lease for less than two months left.  After that, I would be homeless.  So I spent the next 3 months getting ready to move.
When I left for my internship, I knew that I’d have a place to live for at least three and a half months.  After that, I would be homeless.  So I spent over a week visiting friends and travelling down the coast… Boston, Jersey, DC, Carolina, Atlanta.
When I got settled in my internship, I was informed that I had no chances of staying in Florida after the job ended.  After that, I would be homeless.  So I started looking for places to live back in Columbus.
When I had finished my internship, I had signed on to sublease from a guy I had never met and live with 7 people I didn’t know.  After that, I would be homeless.  So I packed up again and decided to finish my history classes.
When I had finished those classes, the sublease would end in under three months.  After that, I would be homeless.  So I started applying for jobs throughout the nation.
When I was offered a job in Oklahoma, I needed to find a place to live until the apartment I wanted to rent would be available.  After that, I would be homeless.  So I rented a furnished condo for a month.
When I arrived in Oklahoma, I quickly realized that the apartment I chose is not an extremely walkable neighborhood…

Which brings us for to now.  My condo lease ends in a little over two weeks.  I have a small deposit on an apartment but I’m unsure if I want to move in there.  So I’ve spent the long holiday weekend analyzing where I want to call home for the next period of my life.  It’s agonizing because I want everything… A ‘luxury’ apartment–Newly built/renovated, Pool, Fitness Center, Balcony/Patio, Washer/Dryer in unit.  And I want it in one of the two urban/walkable neighborhoods of Tulsa.  It doesn’t exist.  I have to give up either the apartment complex features, the nice new apartment, or the location.

***

After Boys State is not the only time I sleep in my car.  One of the other times I specifically recall was after I moved back to Columbus from Florida.  It was the middle of December and my sublease wouldn’t be ready for a few more days and I was staying on my friend Morgan’s couch.  He had to leave for the weekend, so I called a few other friends and they said I could end up there.  We went to a bar, and after a drink or two the friends were going to other bars or things I didn’t feel like doing.  They said I could call when I needed a place.  I didn’t.  I drove to a McDonalds, turned the heat up high, leaned the seat back, and went to sleep.

***

So what do I do?  I go home.  I hit lock twice so the horn beeps.  Hit the remote start so that the air conditioner starts.  Hit unlock so I can get in and sit down.  Plug my phone into the stereo so that I can listen to podcasts (the closest thing to multitasking I’ve found).  Turn the key and drive away.  Run some errands at the mall.  Get back in the car.

Go through a drive thru to get some more food…. even though I just ate an hour earlier at the mall food court.  Just because I want to stay there.  It’s home.

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Once You Go Black…

Posted on September 1, 2010 by Andy

You know how the saying ends… well unless you go Burnt Sienna.  But, I digress.  Most people know that I like things burnt.  Well, not really.  I simply HATE the term golden brown.  I don’t get it.  What is the appeal?  Slightly… No, not slightly.  BARELY toasted.  Its like, “Oh, we tossed it in a toaster for about 12 seconds.  Just enough time to heat it up and make it crunchy without adding any flavor.”  So whenever I have something toasted, whether it be toast at Bob Evans or my sandwich at Subway, I always tell the worker to burn it.  That gets the message across.

Which brings me to last night.  I was cooking bratwursts on the stove.  Soaked them in beer, then put them in the fry-pan and started cooking them in the beer.  Obviously once I took the lid off and all the beer burnt off, there was steam and a little smoke.  Let me emphasize, very little smoke.  Hell, I didn’t even think there was any!  I thought it was all steam.  All of a sudden the stupid fucking smoke detector/carbon monoxide detector starts going off making some stupid siren interspersed with robotic shouts of FIRE! FIRE!  I start grumbling, but turn the stove off since they were done cooking and moved the pan to the other side of the stove.  I proceed to walk over and press the button to reset the alarm.  It stops.  I turn around.  It starts going off again.  I grumble some more.  Turn back around and reset it again.  It stops.  I turn around.  Guess what happens next?  It goes off again.

This continues for about 2 minutes while I proceed to try to figure out how to make the stupid thing happy.  I put the pan in the oven, thereby containing any and all possible smoke.  I turn the vent up to high from the medium setting I had it on.  Nothing works.  I start cursing while trying to reset it.  At this point, SINCE THERE IS STILL NO FIRE, AND BY THIS POINT NOTHING IN THE AIR, I yank the thing off the wall.  But this is one very determined detector.  At this point, it starts robotically screaming CARBON MONOXIDE!  DO NOT BREATHE!  Are you bleeping serious?  At this point, I am forced to do the only logical thing.  Throw it across the room so the batteries come flying out.  Success!

I start to eat my dinner while thinking about the purpose of smoke detectors.  Sure, everybody hears the stories of the guy who fell asleep while smoking a cigarette and burned his house down.  Guess what.  I’m not that guy.  Has anyone ever been cooking food and had a smoke detector actually do anything besides be annoying as hell?  No!  If you are cooking in the kitchen and somehow cause a legitimate fire because you forgot you were cooking, you deserve to burn.

Let’s break this down logically, while remembering that, “Ignorance is not an excuse for stupidity.”  And what is more logical than a flow chart?

As you can see in the chart, there is no reason to have a smoke detector.  The only time it could ever be useful is if there is a fire that you didn’t start and is in another part of your house and you don’t know its occurring.  And honestly, I’ll take those chance.  Just let me burn my food in peace.

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